"Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Let's face it - we all know people who are bitter and who like to hold on to and nurse grudges. These people have a chip on their shoulder; they wallow in self-pity; they are avoided by most people because they carry a dark cloud around with them everywhere they go; and they are at odds with their spiritual and religious beliefs because of holding onto anger.
I recently had to deal with a situation where I unintentionally offended someone who was "supposedly" a friend. I went out of my way to apologize to that person and to make sure that the offense was resolved. In fact, I went to that person multiple times because I knew they didn't accept the apology the first time. I went above and beyond my duties as a friend AND as a Christian to make sure that all was right between myself and that person and that my relationship with God didn't suffer because of any unresolved offenses that I'd caused. And guess what? This person REFUSES to forgive me! They have a grudge a mile wide on their shoulder and it's growing bigger every day. I've exhausted all my mental resources trying to resolve this and am left wondering, "What do you do when someone is carrying a grudge against you and refuses to forgive you?"
So I thought I'd use this topic for my weekly blog.
Grudges are nasty little things that, if left to fester, can only succeed in destroying the one carrying it.
I found this article online and thought I'd share it on my blog:
"When we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of our lives can suffer. When we’re unforgiving, it’s we who pay the price over and over. We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can’t enjoy the present. Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include:
- Dwelling on the events surrounding the offense
- Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you’re wallowing in self-pity
- Being avoided by family and friends because they don’t enjoy being around you
- Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights
- Often feeling misunderstood
- Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain
- Having symptoms of depression or anxiety
- Being consumed by a desire for revenge or punishment
- Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations
- Regretting the loss of a valued relationship
- Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose
I'm not going to lie, I know I've held grudges before. And it's not a fun place to be. One day it dawned on me that the only person being affected by my bitterness and unforgiveness was myself. The person I was mad at was going merrily down life's road, totally unaffected by my negative feelings for them. They were prospering, being happy, living life and didn't care in the least about my grudge. Since that point, I've tried to be the type of person who doesn't allow bitterness and unforgiveness to rule me. And besides all that, one who is in a right and close relationship with their Creator doesn't even consider holding on to a grudge because that would immediately put a huge wall between them and the God they desire to be close to. Their spiritual life would die. It is impossible to be a spiritual being when carrying around unspiritual traits and characteristics.
I'm not going to lie - in my dealings with this bitter person of late, I've often wondered if they even possess the God they say they know. How can you so blatantly be so unforgiving to someone if you are in a right relationship with Christ? The truth is, you cannot. So that brings me to the conclusion that the bigger problem with this person is a spiritual problem that is spilling over into every aspect of their life. In all honesty, I pity this person. How miserable they must be!! To be at odds with God and with people who only desire to be their friends is so very sad!
So what do you do, then, with a person who refuses to forgive you? There's no easy solution. I'm afraid that in my circumstance, I've had to completely cut this person off from my life. Unfortunately I do have to see them from time to time and I certainly will not be like them and be rude; but I've done my part and now I just stay away from their bitter poison. I cannot allow myself to become like them. All I can do is wish them the best and pray that one day they return to a right relationship with God. Grudges can do nothing but eventually destroy them. Is it really worth it in the long run?
“Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.”
― Criss Jami, Salomé: In Every Inch In Every Mile
"If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?" ~Sydney J. Harris
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
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